Oh no! May went away!

The problem with having a blog is that one must update it.

We’re working on that, but give us a little time.  Life has gotten in the way.  We’ll be back soon.

In the meantime, read this quotation from Abdu’l-Baha, and share your thoughts:

O thou dear handmaid of God! If only thou couldst know what a high station is destined for those souls who are severed from the world, are powerfully attracted to the Faith, and are teaching, under the sheltering shadow of Bahá’u’lláh! How thou wouldst rejoice, how thou wouldst, in exultation and rapture, spread thy wings and soar heavenward — for being a follower of such a way, and a traveller toward such a Kingdom.

As to the terminology I used in my letter, bidding thee to consecrate thyself to service in the Cause of God, the meaning of it is this: limit thy thoughts to teaching the Faith. Act by day and night according to the teachings and counsels and admonitions of Bahá’u’lláh. This doth not preclude marriage. Thou canst take unto thyself a husband and at the same time serve the Cause of God; the one doth not preclude the other. Know thou the value of these days; let not this chance escape thee. Beg thou God to make thee a lighted candle, so that thou mayest guide a great multitude through this darksome world.

(Abdu’l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Baha, p. 100)

Geography

Baha’is might arguably be one of the most mobile and international groups of people in the world.  Many of us feel perfectly comfortable packing a suitcase and moving to a remote village halfway across the world.  Others prefer to stay closer to home, but know a lot of diverse kinds of people and cross lines of culture, nationality, and color quite easily.

And so we see the phenomenon of Baha’i couples whose stories might sound something like this:

Wife: My father is Iranian, my mother is British, and I grew up in the Pacific Islands.

Husband: My parents are from India, and I grew up in the United States but went to university in Germany.

Husband and Wife: We met while serving in _______ (Israel, Uganda, Australia, Ecuador, etc, take your pick), married, and are now living in Jamaica.

While this is all very exciting, it can create some very real logistical, cultural, and monetary problems.  Travel is expensive.  If you want to get to know someone on another continent, you will probably need some kind of cash flow.  Then there is the fact that while our world has become much smaller, we are still very culturally different.  Finally, there can be visa issues, being away from your family, and the like.

Say you get married, move to the home country of your spouse…and realize that while it was fun to visit this country, you don’t actually like living there? What do you do?

Perhaps you live on opposite ends of the same country…there are still things to overcome.

Parental consent – either you need to skip around the globe to get it, or your parents are comfortable giving it over the phone. If the latter, would you feel comfortable that your parents were involved enough in the process?

If you marry and launch directly into pioneering, the marriage is automatically focused around service to the Faith – this is, of course, a wonderful thing, but do you run the risk of it being the only thing that the two of you have in common? What if, in the future, circumstances make you unable to serve in the way that your initial relationship was based on, will your marriage be able to withstand that shift?

What do you think are the most important factors to consider when deciding to marry someone long-distance?  How can you know for certain that it is the right choice?

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship, and if so, how did things pan out?

Great Expectations

It is generally acknowledged that there are more single, “eligible”, whatever, Baha’i women than there are men (of course some communities are exceptions, but bear with me for the sake of argument).  I think that it is due to this fact that I have heard many young Baha’i men say things along the lines of “I feel sorry for you women, you don’t have a lot of options” and “I’m not ready for marriage yet, but I’m sure that I won’t have trouble finding someone when I’m in my 30s” and “I’m not married yet because I don’t want to settle for someone who isn’t perfect.”

In fact, how many times have we heard our male friends tell us that they are waiting to marry until they meet a nice young lady who will astonish, dumbfound, impress, and generally blow them away?  They think that she must be so amazing that they will fall head over heels in love upon laying eyes on her.

My reading between the lines of these statements is that there is a widespread delusion among Baha’i men that because there really are so many amazing, single Baha’i women that, once they’ve gotten a decade or so of single life out of their systems and are ready to settle down they will be able to look around and pick a wife who is young, beautiful, brilliant, an excellent cook and a devoted servant of the Faith.  As a friend of ours brilliantly put it, they want both Heidi Klum and Ruhiyyih Khanum.

I have two requests.  The first is that Baha’i women not get caught in this trap.  Go pioneering.  Look outside the Baha’i community, teach, consider marrying outside the Faith (I realize that this advice contradicts previous posts.  Whatever.)  I have seen so many women waste so much time “talking” to men who are unwilling to commit, wanting to keep their options open until their perfect made-to-order bride comes along.

My second request is to the Baha’i men.  Don’t get lazy!  Don’t take women for granted!  It is valid to not pursue marriage until you feel ready to commit, but if you spend too much time stringing women along, casually looking into possibilities while still keeping your options open, you may find one day that you look around and realize that your options have all been taken up by men who have the guts to make a decision.  Also, realize that being a Baha’i doesn’t give you a get out of jail (or being a gentleman) free card.

The different kinds of relationships

Sorry for the delay, folks.  anzaze and pimarlowe needed a little break, and now we’re back with your regularly scheduled programming (also, please tell your friends about us…it is hard to promote your blog when you’re anonymous!).

Today’s topic is the different kinds of relationships one might find in the wide spectrum of “dating as a Baha’i”.  If you can think of any other variations, please feel free to share them in the comments.

1. Dating In Public: your status on Facebook is “in a relationship with ___”, you are an established couple and no one blinks when you show up at a party together.

2. Dating, But Only Your Close Friends Know: you have a small circle of friends who are aware of your secret status.  Others may guess, but your friends never admit anything when questioned, and you are very tight-lipped about everything.

3. “Talking To Someone” Publicly: this one seems very similar to #1, but the difference is mostly that you’re not ready to commit to a relationship, so while you hang out together all the time, and everyone knows that you like each other, you have trouble having the serious conversations, and are ready to jump ship should something better come along.

4. “Talking”, But Only Your Close Friends Know: see #2 and #3.  It is much easier to extricate oneself from this situation, since few people know you ever dated, and you have made no commitments.  Kind of shady, especially if both people are not contributing equally to the relationship.

5. “We’re Just Friends”: we all know this couple.  You won’t admit to anyone that you’re getting to know each other, and you probably have a hard time admitting it to yourself.  Suddenly, four months into it, you announce your engagement, shocking not only your friends and family, but yourselves as well.

6. “I’m Investigating But He/She Doesn’t Know It Yet”: perhaps the creepiest of the styles of dating, this often occurs when the person being checked out has no clue that you’re interested in them, and yet you are convinced that you have a special connection with them.  This ends badly 99.99% of the time.  Also happens when someone is bad at communicating.

7. Almost Married: we’re all wondering when we’re going to get our wedding invites in the mail.  Stop putting if off, you’re just torturing yourselves and your friends.

Happy Naw Ruz!

The authors at Investigated would like to wish you all a Happy Naw Ruz (Baha’i New Year).

Baha’i Writings: “Raise an honoured family”

O ye my two beloved children! The news of your union, as soon as it reached me, imparted infinite joy and gratitude. Praise be to God, those two faithful birds have sought shelter in one nest. I beseech God that He may enable them to raise an honoured family, for the importance of marriage lieth in the bringing up of a richly blessed family, so that with entire gladness they may, even as candles, illuminate the world. For the enlightenment of the world dependeth upon the existence of man. If man did not exist in this world, it would have been like a tree without fruit. My hope is that you both may become even as one tree, and may, through the outpourings of the cloud of loving-kindness, acquire freshness and charm, and may blossom and yield fruit, so that your line may eternally endure.

Upon ye be the Glory of the Most Glorious.

(Abdu’l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Baha, p. 119)

The Myth of the Baha’i Relationship

After many conversations with my Baha’i friends (both men and women), I have come to the conclusion that there are a few scenarios in which many individuals (especially those who have been raised in Baha’i families) envision that they will meet their spouse. They are as follows:

1. Eyes meet across a crowded room (at a conference, unit convention, Naw Ruz party), love at first sight –> add each other on Facebook –> “talk” for a few months (whatever that means!) –> get engaged –> get married 95 days later. Live happily ever after.

OR

2. Good friends for years –> One day, suddenly look at each other one day with a “different eye” –> “talk” for a few months (whatever that means!) –> get engaged –> get married 95 days later. Live happily ever after.

While each of these scenarios are possible, to be too attached to them does not allow for the myriad ways that people meet their spouses, and it closes us off to other opportunities. So why do we get so attached to “the myth”? Is it because we are raised with this idea within the community? Are we scared of the other ways to meet someone? In my informal survey of married Baha’is, it seems that they all have very different stories of how they met and fell in love, and it seems to me that it is safer to recognize that we will all approach the process in different ways, and allow ourselves and others the freedom to do this.

We assume that things should happen a certain way, and that if it doesn’t happen that way, we aren’t doing it right.  These unrealistic expectations can prevent us from pursuing a relationship with someone, simply because it didn’t happen the way that we thought (or hoped) that it would.

Baha’i Writings: the results of marriage

As to thy question concerning the husband and wife, the tie between them and the children given to them by God: Know thou, verily, the husband is one who hath sincerely turned unto God, is awakened by the call of the Beauty of El-Baha and chanteth the verses of Oneness in the great assemblies; the wife is a being who wisheth to be overflowing with and seeketh after the attributes of God and His names; and the tie between them is none other than the Word of God. Verily, it [the Word of God] causeth the multitudes to assemble together and the remote ones to be united. Thus the husband and wife are brought into affinity, are united and harmonized, even as though they were one person. Through their mutual union, companionship and love great results are produced in the world, both material and spiritual. The spiritual result is the appearance of divine bounties. The material result is the children who are born in the cradle of love of God, who are nurtured by the breast of the knowledge of God, and who are brought up in the bosom of the gift of God, and who are fostered in the lap of the training of God. Such children are those of whom it was said by Christ, “Verily, they are the children of the Kingdom!”

(Abdu’l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu’l-Baha v3, p. 605)

Marriage Comes With Unexpected Surprises – A Guest Post

Today we’re featuring guest authors Andrew Johnson and Erin Jamison Johnson. If you’re interested in writing a guest post for our blog (either as yourself or anonymously), please contact us!

A couple weeks ago, we were approached by the editors of “Investigated” about the possibility of writing a post about marriage. They had heard that we’d been recently married, and were eager to have us share our experiences with readers who may be interested in the experiences of a newlywed couple. The prospect was equally exciting and daunting. How does one present such a vastly personal topic with enough clarity and cogency to be helpful to others? How does a newlywed begin to sort through the myriad thoughts and experiences accumulated over six short months of marriage? And who are we to be blogging about marriage? What do we know? We’ve only been married for a mere speck of the eternity that we’ll be spending together! In the end, we decided on writing about some of the surprises, both challenging and pleasant, that we’ve experienced so far. In the interest of space, time, and sanity, these blog posts will be written as a series – reader interest and editor indulgence permitting, of course. And so:

“Marriage Comes with Unexpected Surprises (and I don’t mean a KitchenAid mixer) – Part 1”

Marriage is discussed a lot in the abstract. “I can’t wait to get married,” we’ll say, or “When I’m married, I’m going to _________.” Wedding magazines make an upcoming wedding and the following marriage sound as though it will be a fairy-tale where you’ll spend most of your time jumping for joy. Married friends and cynical relatives will throw in their advice, some making it sound as though the only jumping you’ll want to do is off a cliff. In reality, it’s somewhere between the two. (OK, maybe leaning a bit towards the former.) The expectations that we grow up with are inevitable, and the scenarios that we envision are stubborn. And although we might approach marriage with informed assessments and realistic expectations, we’re thinking its pretty much impossible not to be surprised by something. Some of these surprises aren’t exactly of the most positive variety. Others, frankly, are a huge source of relief.

Challenge:
Almost as soon as we said our vows (OK, that’s a mild exaggeration), our brand-spankin’-new fortress for well-being and salvation was attacked, sometimes brutally. Now, we never expected that things would be easy, but we certainly never expected to be confronted by so many (figurative) attackers on so many fronts. Surely, we oh-so-naiively-thought, our first couple months of marriage would be pure sweetness and light. In actuality, we were hit immediately with several situations that were incredibly challenging. Problems with money? Check. Unable to fulfill educational goals due to aforementioned problems with money? Check. No air conditioning in a 95-degree, 400-square-foot apartment? Check. These issues in addition to several others, often led to sleepless nights, frustrated discussions, and sometimes tears. It was interesting. The two of us were surely no strangers to difficulty or tests of circumstance. But the way in which these challenges hit us was entirely new. In fact, that’s exactly it. These challenges were hitting us. Imagine running a three-legged race. Got it? Now imagine running a three-legged race through thorny bramble. Down a mountain. With bears chasing you. That’s pretty much what it felt like. With all these figurative bears and bramble to fend off, we had to learn how to work together as a team rather quickly. We had to synchronize, mobilize and figure out how to deal with the various issues in a way that wouldn’t serve us as individuals, but serve that strange new third entity, The Marriage. We are blessed to have followed in the footsteps of many close friends who have married over the past several years, who graciously offered insight into the workings of married life. Some of the best advice we got as a newly engaged couple was to treat our marriage like a baby. It’s a new, growing entity that requires our mutual focus and attention. Instead of asking if things are good for the two of us, we ask, “Is it good for the baby?” We make it a point to say prayers for our baby marriage, and to just generally recognize and respect the newness of the bond we are building. As a bonus, saying, “Don’t wake the baby!” is a great way to diffuse a heated situation.

Essential to our success in overcoming these difficulties was our long process of character investigation. Early in our More-Than-Friendship, we had stumbled across a little workbook (brace for product placement) Marriage Can Be Forever – Preparation Counts! Essentially, it’s a workbook that presents various scenarios to the readers, allowing you to engage in consultation about issues you may have never considered, or simply haven’t had reason to discuss. It was a wonderful way to get to know each other better. We had started working through it several months before we were even officially engaged – as such, we had already discussed issues like hair in the sink and who squeezes the toothpaste tube where, and thus were able to divert attention during the first few months of marriage to more important matters. Through communication, prayer, more communication, and more prayer, we have been blessed to come through the challenges we’ve faced thus far even stronger as a couple than we were before. What did we learn? To trust ourselves, to lean on each other, and to protect our new family.

Pleasant surprise:
We do not get tired of each other. This may be vomit-inducing, but being able to spend so much time with our best friend is one of the greatest things in the world. Before we got married, when we talked about what we thought it would be like, we both wondered if we’d get tired of spending so much time with the same person. We don’t. So much so that we’ve actually broken into fits of laughter when we realize how much time we’ve spent with one another over a certain period of time. I mean, let’s be candid. We both love our friends and family, but there always comes a time when we grow weary of a person’s company, and just sort of wish they’d go away for a bit and give us a nice break. We haven’t experienced this feeling yet. Which is good, I suppose, because we’re married. But yeah. It’s like a constant slumber party with your best friend ever – except better, because there’s an underlying comforting feeling that no matter what, the two of you have committed to each other and to God for eternity. It’s a cozy thing, really.

Baha’i Writings: blessed in both worlds

O ye two believers in God! The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.

If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven. But if they do other than this, they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.

Strive, then, to abide, heart and soul, with each other as two doves in the nest, for this is to be blessed in both worlds.

(Abdu’l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Baha, p. 122)